Sobriety: Surrender to Reality

Robert's Daily Journal - December 9th

My name is Robert Hendrix, and this journal bears witness to my tumultuous journey through sobriety. The Christmas lights twinkling outside my window seem to mock the inner turmoil I feel. It's a time for joy, for family, for celebrating miracles. But my mind is a battlefield, bombarded by doubts and temptations.

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy – childhood fantasies we eventually outgrow. Yet, I find myself grappling with another kind of myth, a more sinister one: the myth of the "devil," the embodiment of all things negative and destructive. Adversity, roadblocks, triggers – they whisper in my ear, tempting me to stray from the path of recovery.

Thirty thousand thoughts a day, they say. How many of mine are consumed by this insidious force, this "pure evil" determined to wreck my life? But here's the thing: I'm done giving it power. I refuse to let it control me any longer. Just like Santa Claus and the tooth fairy, I'm choosing to relegate the "devil" to the realm of imagination.

This Christmas, I choose sobriety. I choose to celebrate the true meaning of the season, the birth of Jesus Christ. I choose to fill my mind with the words of the Bible and the Big Book, to find solace in prayer and meditation, to extend a helping hand to those in need. This is my freedom – the freedom to connect with my higher power, to nurture my spirit, and to find peace amidst the chaos.

The question that haunts me isn't "who am I?" or "where am I?" but rather, "who do I want to be?" Right here, right now, in this present moment. I'm tired of empty promises and broken commitments. I've seen the disappointment in the eyes of those who care for me, the growing weariness as they witness my struggle.

I know I need to make a decision, a real decision, before it's too late. But what's holding me back? Fear? Pride? The comfort of old habits? Perhaps it's a combination of all these things, a tangled web of self-sabotage I need to unravel.

The 12 steps offer a roadmap, a guide to navigate the treacherous terrain of addiction. Surrender, humility, spiritual growth – these are the principles I need to embrace. I see the pain in the world, the countless souls struggling with their own demons. I want to help, to be a beacon of hope, but first, I need to heal myself.

Making amends is a daunting task, a confrontation with the wreckage of my past. The good, the bad, the ugly – it's all there, cluttering my mind, weighing down my spirit. It's time to clear the debris, to confront the consequences of my actions, and to make things right.

Robert's Daily Journal - December 10th

Today, I woke up with a renewed sense of purpose. The 12 steps aren't just a set of rules; they're a path towards self-discovery and spiritual awakening. Step 4, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves," stares back at me from the page. It's time to delve deep, to confront the shadows I've been hiding from.

This isn't about self-condemnation; it's about honesty. It's about acknowledging my flaws, my mistakes, the ways in which I've hurt myself and others. It's about taking ownership of my actions and recognizing the patterns that have led me down this destructive path.

But it's also about recognizing my strengths, the glimmers of hope that have kept me going. The kindness I've shown, the moments of clarity, the unwavering support of those who believe in me. These are the embers I need to fan into flames, the foundation upon which I can rebuild my life.

The "trash" in my house isn't just physical clutter; it's the resentment, the guilt, the shame that I've allowed to accumulate. It's time to let go, to forgive myself and others, to make space for healing and growth.

This process won't be easy. There will be moments of resistance, tears of regret, and the urge to retreat back into old habits. But I'm committed to seeing this through. I owe it to myself, to those I've hurt, and to the person I want to become.

Sobriety isn't just about abstaining from substances; it's about living a life of purpose and meaning. It's about finding joy in the simple things, connecting with others on a deeper level, and contributing to something larger than myself.

This Christmas, I'm giving myself the gift of self-reflection, of honesty, of a renewed commitment to my recovery. I'm choosing to step out of the shadows and into the light, to embrace the challenges ahead with courage and determination. This is my journey, and I'm ready to face it head-on.

Robert's Daily Journal - December 11th

Surrender. The word echoes in my mind, a constant reminder of the struggle I face.

Why is it so hard to let go, to accept reality as it is?

Why do I still crave the escape that alcohol offers, even though I know it only leads to more pain and destruction?

The 12 steps talk about surrendering to a higher power, but what does that truly mean? Is it about giving up, admitting defeat? Or is it about finding a strength greater than my own, a source of guidance and support that can help me navigate the turbulent waters of addiction?

I look at my life, at the wreckage I've created, and a wave of shame washes over me. Why can't I face my enablers, the people who, perhaps unknowingly, contribute to my self-destruction? Why can't I pick up the phone and call my sponsor, even though I know he's there for me, ready to listen without judgment?

Fear, I realize, is the root of my inaction. Fear of confrontation, fear of vulnerability, fear of admitting my weakness. But fear is a liar, a master manipulator that keeps me trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage.

Amidst the darkness, a glimmer of hope emerges. I think about the gifts God has bestowed upon me – a big heart, a passion for service, a creative spirit that finds solace in design and expression. These are the tools I need to forge a new path, to build a life of purpose and meaning.

I envision myself using my talents to help others, to create websites and marketing materials for non-profit organizations, to use my voice to inspire and uplift. This is the vision I need to hold onto, the reminder that there is a life beyond addiction, a life filled with possibilities and fulfillment.

But first, I need to confront the enabler in my life, the one who lives right next door. How do I say "no," how do I set boundaries and protect my sobriety? It won't be easy, but it's a necessary step towards reclaiming my life.

Robert's Daily Journal - December 12th

Today, I found the courage to speak my truth. I knocked on my neighbor's door, my heart pounding in my chest. The words caught in my throat at first, but then they spilled out, a torrent of emotions I'd been holding back for far too long.

I told him about my struggle, about my commitment to sobriety, about the need to distance myself from the temptations he offered. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I set a boundary, and in doing so, I reclaimed a piece of myself.

His response surprised me. He listened, he understood, and he offered his support. He even apologized for his role in enabling my addiction, a gesture that touched me deeply. Perhaps this is what surrender is all about – letting go of control, being honest with myself and others, and trusting that things will work out as they should.

The weight that had been pressing down on me lifted slightly. I felt a sense of liberation, a newfound strength that comes from facing my fears and speaking my truth.

Now, I need to channel this energy into positive action. I need to connect with my sponsor, to delve deeper into the 12 steps, to nurture my spiritual growth. I need to explore ways to use my creative talents to help others, to turn my passion into a force for good.

Robert's Daily Journal - December 13th

Today, I reached out to my sponsor. We talked for hours, and I felt a sense of relief wash over me as I shared my struggles and triumphs. He listened with empathy and offered words of encouragement and guidance.

He reminded me that recovery is a journey, not a destination. There will be setbacks and challenges, but with each step forward, I am building a stronger foundation for lasting sobriety. He encouraged me to focus on the present moment, to practice gratitude for the blessings in my life, and to trust in the process.

I'm starting to understand that surrender isn't about giving up; it's about letting go of the illusion of control and embracing the support that's available to me. It's about acknowledging my limitations and trusting in a power greater than myself.

The fear that once held me captive is starting to dissipate. I'm learning to manage my emotions, to meditate, to find peace amidst the chaos.

I'm developing strategies to avoid crisis, to recognize triggers and navigate difficult situations.

The path ahead is still uncertain, but I'm no longer walking it alone. I have a sponsor, a supportive community, and a growing connection to my higher power. I have the tools and the resources I need to succeed.

This Christmas, I'm filled with a sense of hope and gratitude. I'm grateful for the challenges that have led me to this point, for the lessons I've learned, and for the opportunity to create a life of purpose and meaning.

I'm ready to embrace the journey, to face the future with courage and determination, and to live a life that honors the gifts I've been given.

A bird can truly fly

The worn leather of the journal felt comforting under Amelia's fingertips. It had been six months since her last drink, six months since she'd started this journey of sobriety. Progress had been slow, marked by stumbles and setbacks, but the journal remained a constant, a silent witness to her internal battles. Tonight, though, the blank page seemed to mock her. The therapist had suggested writing about the "bird theory," a metaphor for recovery, but the words felt like she was jumbled in her mind.

"A bird can fly…" she muttered, her voice barely above a whisper. What did that even mean? Was it about freedom? She scoffed. Freedom felt like a distant dream, a luxury for those not shackled by addiction.

Frustrated, Amelia slammed the journal shut and headed out for a walk. The crisp autumn air whipped at her face, and the vibrant hues of the falling leaves offered a stark contrast to the greyness that had enveloped her life for so long. As she wandered through the park, her gaze fell upon a robin perched on a branch, its bright red breast puffed out against the chill.

The bird took flight, its wings beating a steady rhythm against the fading light. Amelia watched it soar, a sense of longing stirring within her. Was this the freedom the therapist spoke of? The ability to rise above chaos, to navigate life's turbulence with grace and strength?

Days turned into weeks, and Amelia found herself drawn back to the park, observing the birds. She noticed their diligence in building nests, twig by twig, creating a safe haven for themselves and their young. It reminded her of the painstaking work of rebuilding her life, piece by piece, one day at a time. Attending meetings, reaching out to her sponsor, practicing mindfulness – each action was a small step towards creating a stable foundation for her sobriety.

One afternoon, she witnessed a heartwarming scene – a pair of robins tirelessly feeding their fledglings, their beaks overflowing with worms and insects. The image struck a chord deep within Amelia. Just as the parent birds nurtured their young, she too needed to nourish her recovering self. This meant prioritizing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, and forgiving herself for past mistakes.

The Bird Theory Began to Take Shape

The bird theory, once a confusing puzzle, began to take shape in Amelia's mind. The ability to fly symbolized the freedom she could achieve in sobriety, the nest-building represented the importance of creating a supportive environment, and the feeding of the fledglings highlighted the necessity of self-compassion and nurturing her own growth.

Understanding this metaphor didn't magically erase the challenges of recovery. There were still days when cravings gnawed at her, when the weight of past regrets threatened to pull her under. But now, she had a framework, a guiding principle to help her navigate these turbulent waters.

One evening, Amelia sat down with her journal, a renewed sense of clarity washing over her. She penned down her thoughts, the words flowing effortlessly onto the page. The bird theory, she realized, wasn't just a lesson in sobriety; it reflected life itself. It was about finding the strength to rise above adversity, the resilience to build a meaningful life, and the compassion to nurture oneself and others.

As she closed the journal, a small smile played on her lips. The journey was far from over, but for the first time, she felt a sense of hope, a belief that she could truly fly.

If a Bird can find freedom so easily…

The crisp morning air whipped through my hair as I sat on the park bench, my gaze drawn to a robin perched on a nearby branch. It ruffled its feathers, a vibrant splash of red against the muted winter landscape. With a sudden burst of energy, it took flight, soaring effortlessly into the vast expanse of the sky.

I watched it with a pang of envy, a yearning for that same sense of freedom. The bird, unburdened by worries or regrets, could go wherever it pleased, its wings carrying it to new horizons. In that moment, it felt like a cruel mockery of my own struggles, my desperate fight for sobriety.

"If a bird can find freedom so easily," I thought, "why is it so damn hard for me?"

I've been battling addiction for years, trapped in a cycle of self-destruction and broken promises. The freedom that the bird embodies, the freedom to make choices without the chains of addiction holding me back, seems like an impossible dream.

But as I continued to observe the robin, I noticed something else. It wasn't just flying aimlessly; it was purposeful in its movements. It swooped down to gather twigs and leaves, meticulously constructing a nest in the branches of a nearby tree. It was creating a safe haven, a place of refuge and nurture.

This, I realized, was another aspect of freedom – the freedom to build a life, to create a foundation for growth and stability. Just like the bird, I needed to build my own nest, a supportive environment where I could heal and thrive. This meant attending meetings, connecting with my sponsor, and surrounding myself with people who believed in my recovery.

Later that day, I returned to the park, hoping to catch another glimpse of the robin. This time, I saw it diligently feeding its fledglings, its beak overflowing with worms and insects. It was a picture of selfless devotion, a reminder that freedom also comes with responsibility.

The bird's dedication to its young resonated with me deeply. Just as it nurtured its offspring, I needed to nurture my own recovering self. This meant prioritizing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, and forgiving myself for past mistakes. It meant recognizing that freedom wasn't just about breaking free from addiction; it was about building a life worth living.

Over the next few days, I found myself returning to the park, drawn to the robin's unwavering spirit. It became my unlikely role model, a symbol of hope in my struggle for sobriety. I began to see its freedom not as an effortless gift, but as a reflection of its resilience, its adaptability, and its unwavering commitment to survival.

The bird's ability to fly represented the freedom I could achieve in sobriety – the freedom from cravings, from self-doubt, from the chains of addiction. Its nest-building symbolized the importance of creating a stable and supportive environment for my recovery. And its dedication to its young highlighted the necessity of self-compassion and nurturing my own growth.

I started to see my journey to sobriety not as a punishment, but as a flight towards freedom. Just like the bird, I had the power to choose my direction, to navigate the challenges ahead, and to create a life filled with purpose and meaning.

This newfound perspective didn't magically erase the difficulties of recovery. There were still days when cravings gnawed at me, when the weight of past regrets threatened to pull me under. But now, I had a different lens through which to view my struggles.

I was no longer just a man battling addiction; I was a bird learning to fly, building my nest, and nurturing my spirit. And with each small step forward, I felt the wind beneath my wings, carrying me closer to the freedom I so desperately craved.

Who am I?

The morning light crept through the blinds, casting long shadows across the room. As consciousness slowly returned, a familiar wave of disorientation washed over me. "What did I do yesterday? Who am I? Where am I at?" The questions echoed in the silence, a stark reminder of the fog that had enveloped my life for far too long.

But today, something felt different. A spark of clarity ignited within me, a realization that the questions weren't about who I was, but rather, who I wanted to be. This wasn't just about sobriety; it was about reclaiming my life, my identity, my very essence. Both my ABC IOP and AA group meetings helped me build a foundation for my life.

The loneliness of the journey hit me hard. Friends, family, even my doctor – the people I once relied on – had distanced themselves. The realization stung, but it also held a mirror to my actions. I had been living according to my fleeting feelings, driven by the chaos of addiction, rather than building a life based on positive experiences and consistent choices.

Promises made and broken, commitments forgotten, my reputation lay in tatters. The trust I had so carelessly squandered was now a gaping hole in my relationships. The weight of these realizations threatened to pull me back into the darkness, but then a new question arose: "Have you made a decision?"

The question hung in the air, demanding an answer. What decision? The decision to choose a different path, to break free from the chains of addiction and build a life rooted in integrity, responsibility, and self-respect.

Here are 10 decisions I must make, 10 commitments I must uphold to maintain sobriety and reclaim my life:

I will choose honesty. Honesty with myself, acknowledging my struggles and vulnerabilities. Honesty with others, rebuilding trust through transparency and accountability.
I will prioritize self-care. This means nourishing my body with healthy food and exercise, nurturing my mind with mindfulness and self-reflection, and tending to my spirit through connection and purpose.
I will set healthy boundaries. Learning to say "no" to protect my sobriety, and "yes" to opportunities for growth and connection. I will surround myself with supportive people and distance myself from those who enable my addiction.
I will practice forgiveness. Forgiving myself for past mistakes, releasing the shame and guilt that hold me back. Forgiving those who have hurt me, allowing space for healing and moving forward.
I will cultivate gratitude. Focusing on the blessings in my life, no matter how small. Gratitude shifts my perspective and opens my heart to joy and contentment.
I will embrace vulnerability. Allowing myself to be seen, imperfections and all. Vulnerability fosters genuine connection and creates space for healing and growth.
I will seek support. Actively engaging with my support network, attending meetings, and reaching out to my sponsor. I will lean on others when I need strength and offer support in return.
I will be patient. Recovery is a journey, not a race. There will be setbacks and challenges, but I will persevere with patience and determination.
I will live with purpose. Discovering my passions and pursuing them with dedication. Finding meaning in service to others and contributing to something larger than myself.
I will choose life. Every day, I will choose life. I will choose sobriety, growth, and the opportunity to become the best version of myself.
These decisions are not merely words on a page; they are the foundation upon which I will rebuild my life. They are the guiding principles that will lead me out of the darkness and into the light of sobriety, self-discovery, and lasting freedom.

Self Sabotage

The weight of self-sabotage can be a heavy burden to bear, especially on the journey to sobriety. It's easy to point fingers outward, identifying all the external forces that seem to hinder our progress – the toxic people, the triggering environments, the tempting situations.

But what about the enemy within?

The one who whispers excuses, fuels judgment, and erects obstacles on our path to recovery?

This internal saboteur is often the most formidable opponent we face. It's the voice that tells us we're not strong enough, not worthy enough, not deserving of a better life. It thrives on our insecurities, feeding our doubts and magnifying our fears. It convinces us that everyone else is to blame for our struggles, while conveniently overlooking our own shortcomings.

We become masters of deflection, adept at criticizing and judging others while remaining blind to our own character defects. This hypocrisy hinders our progress, preventing us from taking responsibility for our actions and making the necessary changes to achieve lasting sobriety.

The truth is, we often sabotage ourselves through inaction. We make empty promises and commitments, seeking the temporary gratification of appearing reliable and responsible, without ever intending to follow through. This pattern of self-deception erodes our integrity, leaving us trapped in a cycle of broken promises and shattered trust.

The key to breaking free from this self-imposed prison lies in making a decision. A decision to confront our inner saboteur, to acknowledge our flaws, and to commit to the hard work of personal growth. It's a decision to stop making excuses and start taking action.

Instead of endlessly analyzing external factors, we must turn our attention inward. We must identify the self-defeating behaviors that impede our progress and actively work to replace them with healthier habits. This requires honesty, courage, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about us.

It’s more than just showing up physically; it's about showing up with a 100% positive attitude, a genuine commitment to change, and a willingness to be present in each moment. It's about replacing empty promises with concrete actions, demonstrating our commitment to sobriety through our behavior, not just our words.

Here are some ways we may be unconsciously sabotaging our own recovery:

Procrastination: Delaying important tasks, avoiding responsibilities, and putting off self-care until "tomorrow."
Negativity: Focusing on the negative aspects of life, dwelling on past mistakes, and harboring resentment towards others.
Isolation: Withdrawing from supportive relationships, neglecting social connections, and refusing to ask for help.
Self-pity: Wallowing in self-pity, blaming others for our misfortunes, and refusing to take responsibility for our actions.
Perfectionism: Setting unrealistic expectations, striving for unattainable goals, and constantly criticizing ourselves for falling short.
Recognizing these self-sabotaging patterns is the first step towards overcoming them. By becoming aware of our own internal obstacles, we can begin to dismantle them and pave the way for lasting sobriety.

Ultimately, the journey to recovery is a journey of self-discovery. It's about confronting our inner demons, embracing our strengths, and making conscious choices that align with our values and goals. It's about choosing health and well-being, not just for today, but for all the days to come.

Surrender to Reality

Surrendering to reality in the context of sobriety means accepting the current situation without resistance or denial. It involves acknowledging one's limitations, recognizing the impact of addiction, and embracing the necessary steps toward recovery.

By surrendering to reality, individuals can gain a clearer perspective on their situation. They can see the destructive nature of addiction and the potential for a better future. This newfound clarity allows them to make informed decisions and take positive actions.

Surrender also involves letting go of the need to control everything. It means trusting in a higher power or a process greater than oneself. By relinquishing the desire to micromanage life, individuals can open themselves up to the possibility of divine guidance and support.

In essence, surrendering to reality is a powerful act of humility and faith. It is a necessary step on the path to recovery, leading to greater peace, clarity, and freedom.

Discovering your bottom to allow you to seek help

It's true that some individuals may not experience a traditional "bottom" before seeking help for addiction. However, even without a dramatic rock-bottom experience, it's still possible to surrender to reality and embrace sobriety.

Surrender, in this context, involves acknowledging one's limitations, recognizing the negative impact of addiction, and accepting the need for change. It's about recognizing that continuing on the current path will lead to further suffering and harm.

Even without a catastrophic event, individuals can experience a gradual realization that their lives are out of control. They may notice deteriorating relationships, financial problems, or declining health. These cumulative effects can be a powerful motivator for seeking help and embracing sobriety.

Ultimately, the decision to surrender and seek recovery is a personal one. It can be influenced by a variety of factors, including external pressures, internal motivations, and spiritual awakenings. Regardless of the specific circumstances, the willingness to admit one's limitations and seek help is a crucial first step on the path to sobriety.

07

Empty Promises and Commitments

The path to recovery is paved with honesty and accountability. It's easy to make promises and set goals, but true progress requires consistent action and a willingness to confront reality. Self-deception, a common trait among addicts, can hinder our ability to grow and change.

A crucial step in the recovery process is identifying and addressing our "bottom." This isn't necessarily a dramatic rock-bottom experience, but rather a recognition of the destructive nature of addiction. It's about acknowledging that our current way of life is unsustainable and that we need to make significant changes.

To truly surrender to recovery, we must be willing to confront our fears, face our past mistakes, and embrace the challenges that lie ahead. This requires honesty, courage, and a commitment to the process. By avoiding excuses and distractions, we can focus on the task at hand and build a foundation for a sober future.

Living in a state of denial or self-deception can prevent us from experiencing true freedom and fulfillment. By acknowledging our limitations and seeking help, we can break free from the cycle of addiction.

Surrounding ourselves with supportive and honest individuals can be instrumental in our recovery journey. These people can provide encouragement, accountability, and a safe space to share our experiences. By seeking truth and authenticity, we can build strong, lasting relationships and foster a sense of belonging.

Ultimately, the choice to recover is ours. By embracing sobriety and practicing the principles of recovery, we can transform our lives and build a brighter future.